July 22, 2008

    "She Called It Freddy"              News Stories the Way I Like 'em

Police said they found the remains ... stuffed in a jar earlier this week. Police said a worker at a pump station found the jar buried Monday.
To read the rest go to www.gobbledeGoogle.blogspot.com

July 18, 2008

President McKinley Clutched His Chest

  When the retiree got up to bowl in the fifth frame of his second game, he clutched his chest ... McKinley looked confused and rose up on his toes, clutched his chest. Took one look at the monitor, let out a terrible scream, clutched her chest and fell dead upon the floor.
To read the rest of this appropriated-phrase story, please go to www.gobbledeGoogle.blogspot.com

Googling “clutched his chest” news garnered 709 hits in 0.12 seconds. Googling “clutched her chest” news garnered 4,090 hits in 0.14 seconds Googling “grabbed her chest” news garnered 11,800 hits in 0.46 seconds Googling “grabbed his chest” news garnered 16,900 hits in 0.34 seconds

July 9, 2008

Old Men and The Frail         Operculum of Snails

Even in my youngest, ripest years, from twenty-four
  to twenty-eight,
Young men did not, as the poet Yeats suggests,
  “suddenly catch their breath”
When I was passing.

Even then, it was
Old men – old to me – men ten, twenty,
  fifty years beyond me on the Path
Who smiled and wanted to stroke my arm where
  fine golden hairs grew and looked like a
  crop of wheat ready to be mowed,
It was old men who liked to put their arms
  around my waist, and pretend to
Nuzzle in my ear,
Who invited me to dinner, so that
I could sit across from them and
Smile for French snails and wine.

Once, a fat old man who was my boss,
Invited me to dine, and I dressed carefully,
  knowing what would come after,
But not knowing that I would have to suck
Cooked snails from their hidey holes in shells.

If I had not been young, perhaps I would have
Sucked a snail into my esophagus and
Died, asphyxiated on a harmless morsel that
Crawled once along its trail of lubricating slime,
And I'd never have ended up under the fat boss
Rolling around in his bed,
  closeup seeing the sweat
  pouring from his forehead, his ugly nose,
Seeing the hairs in his nostrils, seeing his
  rubbery penis stalk my garden.

Now I attract only the oldest of old men;
  now I am
Perhaps in sight of heaven itself--
    and I have hidden the
Desire to have my body loved or caressed;
I do still like to have my shoulder touched,
  my arm stroked.
I have never eaten another snail, but
  love to see the glister of their garden trails,
Without specific aim, but generally toward
Safe damp rocks and tender shoots.

  New Drug May Save Aged Bra

Double click on the drawing and it'll be big 'n' boo'ful, and you'll be able to read the fine print. But, in case you still can't read the fine print, the news article reads:

Special to the Sun
Tests of a new wonder drug, ichtyoelastinpu, seem to indicate that it works to restore all aged bras, and elderly underpants too. So far, garterbelts have failed to respond in a statistically significant way. Socks which underwent the same rigorous testing were found to suffer accelerated aging. Dr. L. Oldedrawer, 57, of Baltimore, says that the next item entering test trials are jockstraps.
  Ichtyoelastinpu, which is made of a derivative of Queen Anne's Lace roots (daucus carrotus) seems to work by restoring the DNA of the decaying elastic strands to their youthful vigor.
  This will be good news for all who are on a limited budget. The drug is going to be offered for sale to the public, under-the-counter, with the brand name UNDUE, as soon as October of this year.

UPDATE!! Furious industry leaders, including the CEOs of Matronform and Victoria's Gossip, claim that the government has not done enough testing of UNDUE, and that it is likely to wear off on the chests and underarms (and other parts) of wearers of treated unmentionables, and cause them to regress and become youngsters. Dr. L. Oldedrawer commented that surely Matronform, Victoria's Gossip, and others would appreciate a whole new, free, generation of "youngbodies" who will require training bras, etc., all over again. No-one from Elastopocket, which is the world leader in jockstrap manufacturing, would comment on the threat of "youngbodying."